Jealousy
by PandaFire McMango
Summary: Maureen is jealous of her friends, and she hates it. But they have something different to tell her. Sort of abstract, and this should be read by all people who like Maureen AT ALL. Oneshot.


**A/N: **Okay, so this is a Maureen oneshot. It's a tribute to her in the end, and just remember that I love her to death. Piece of news: going to see RENT on Boradway on Memorial Day!!! SQUEEEEE! And also, for those like me, I have been obsessing over Jesse on L&O for the past few weeks. I am so in love with him that it's not even funny. Honestly. He PWNS. (not a typo)

* * *

Maureen is jealous. So jealous that she can literally feel the green creeping up the sides of her face and across her nose. She's so envious that sometimes she just wants to crawl into a corner and cry; cry hard enough that the tears obscure her vision and the ones she loves, the ones she's jealous of, are too blurred to be seen. 

All her life, people have been divided into three groups. There were the people who resented her for the good things she had: her beauty, her creativity, her confidence. There were the people who chose to be happy for her, vicarious almost. Neither of these groups really liked her; they were too offset, too settled in their opinions of her to want to know get to know the real Maureen.

And then there were the people who loved her; the ones who saw past the façade and understood that truthfully, Maureen felt she was not beautiful or creative or confident. The ones who managed to evade her defenses became her closest friends, closer than the family that never really knew her either. They were the ones she trusted and loved, the ones who had a connection with her.

They are the ones who Maureen is most jealous of.

Maureen is jealous of Roger. She watches him as he plays chords on his guitar, tunes it, cradles it in his arms like a newborn baby. The guitar fits him; clicks like a flawlessly crafted puzzle piece. The two of them are not separate when Roger begins to play a song. Roger and his instrument merge together, his hands plucking the strings tenderly and his body stance stable as he leans back and lets the music soar. He was born to make music with that guitar. It is his craft, if you will.

Maureen has no craft; she can only go from one artistic muse to another, trying desperately to find what fits. Protesting through performance pieces is something she enjoys, but not something that she is, as Roger is his guitar and his music. Maureen knows that she is an artist; her only dream is to create something…beautiful. But so far, she does not know what form this beauty shall take, nor what method she shall use to bring it into the world. The frustration is terrible, and so is envy in her heart as she watches her friend make music.

Maureen is jealous of Mark. Both of his assurance in his own art form, like Roger; and of his detachedness. Most people see it as a problem that Mark closes himself in so tightly, emerging only when he has practically no choice in the matter. Maureen, however, wishes that she possessed this strange coolness as well. Ever since she was a child, Maureen has felt things too strongly, too painfully. Emotions run free within her, and she acts upon them. She also uses them overzealously; she loves too hard, hates too much, grieves too long. Sometime she can't think but for the feelings inside her head. Mark may be numb to his heart, but at least he can have peace. Maureen forgets what internal calm is like. She imagines that it may be preferable to what she goes through.

Maureen is jealous of Mimi. Mimi was born to her muse as Roger and Mark were; her dancing is more natural to her body's movement than walking or eating. And because of that (and possibly because she has always known that few women and even fewer men could resist her looks), Mimi has a fiery confidence inside that far surpasses Maureen's own self-assurance. Maureen has the appearance of being sure of herself, yet inside she doubts every move she makes. Mimi charges through life, never pausing to look behind for fear that she'll miss what's ahead. Those who she cares about are the only ones who make a difference to her; if she could, she would forget everyone she didn't like as soon as she met them. Maureen cannot bring herself to wish for people's disappearance. She wants this steadiness, this confidence in herself and her destiny.

Maureen is jealous of Angel. Angel is the most beautiful person she knows; not only in looks, but also in spirit. It seems simple to her that others benefiting before herself makes the world a better place, a concept that many people never grasp in their lives. She does what she loves; drums, wears women's clothes, spends time with the people closest to her. The joy of living is something Angel understands above all. To her, nothing should be seen as totally negative; everyone does something good with each action, intentionally or not. And each day is a lifetime to Angel, who knows that her own life is limited; every day is an opportunity to change what should not be.

This willingness to forgive others their anger and mistreatments, to revel in what you have and to take joy in helping others, is a foreign idea to Maureen. She is hotheaded and holds grudges, and charity is something that first comes to mind as something for her, not for others. Maureen loves Angel as she loves all her friends, and yet she is so envious of her that sometime anger grows, and then she feels ashamed.

Maureen is jealous of Benny. He did betray them all, true; he backed out of promises, gave them false assurances. But like it or not, he went out and did what he had to do. He worked hard, kept his focus, and reached his goal. Maureen does not understand that kind of intensity. It is in her nature to go from project to project, never delving too deeply into anything for fear of getting mired down and being unable to run or fight if need be. Benny knew what he wanted, and he went for it. He didn't duck out when things were bad or he wasn't sure whether he could win. He stayed in for long haul and believed in himself. Maureen has never truly believed in herself. She is too afraid.

Maureen is jealous of Collins. He is her best friend, the person who knows her better than she does. Everything she has been through, he's been the one who she trusts to support her. But even though she trusts him, it doesn't mean that she can look at him and not want what he has.

Collins seems to be a mixture of all that she is jealous of from her other friends.

He knows what he was born to do; philosophy makes sense to him in the way that Roger's guitar makes sense to him, or Mark's camera, or Angel's clothes.

He knows what he loves; his friends are truly his family, and above all he is certain of his love for Angel. That love is not so much a feeling as a reflex. Even if he tried to suppress it, it would return naturally. He has less choice in feeling it than his body does in wanting breath.

He is sure of himself; he understand what others see in him, think about him, but even more so…he knows what he thinks of himself. Collins sees no logic in doubting his own mind and personality, so he does not.

He is free; life tosses him back and forth, but in the end he has his own two feet and whatever open space is clear for him. That is how time moves in his world, and he is at peace with it.

He knows his goals; Collins knows that somewhere under the currents there is a path for him. He can feel it and see it, sometimes submerged or clouded but always present. It has its own twists and turns…and like every road, it has its own end. He sees this end and welcomes it. It will come at its chosen pace, and until then he will do whatever he can to enjoy what he has while he has it.

Maureen is very, very jealous.

Lastly, Maureen is jealous of Joanne. She knows that Joanne is different from the others, both in her relationship with Maureen and in her own individuality. Joanne can be unsure of herself at times, but she does know that she likes to help people when they cannot help themselves. She feels both grateful and nervous about the family she has become part of; grateful for its appearance and nervous that one day they will see her for her faults and forsake her. She is just as exasperated with Maureen as Maureen is with her…but for one difference: _Joanne believes that Maureen can change._ She believes that Maureen is strong enough to make a difference in her behavior and help their relationship stand tall again. Maureen knows that this is not true; she wants it to be true more than she wants anything in the world, but she cannot make it so. She loves Joanne, but even this is not enough. It should be…but she can't make it.

Maureen is jealous because she has never liked what she has. Maureen is jealous because all those around her are special, while she only pretends to be. Maureen is jealous because she knows that no matter what, she will never be good enough.

* * *

_I am not as lucky as you think, Maureen. I am angry and mistaken, but I will not let myself apologize or admit my problems. I hurt those I love and then hope the scars will heal. I ask more than I can repay, and yet I always convince myself that next time will be different. Roger knows she should not be jealous of him._

_I am not so lucky either. I am impervious to some attacks, yes; but I am also impervious to kindness or gentleness. I can be cold as ice and not know that warmth is trying to thaw me. I can pretend my numbness is for my own survival, but in truth it is killing me faster than pain. Mark knows he has little to be jealous of._

_I am not strong when I charge ahead; I am frightened. I run from my pain and hope that it cannot catch up. Those I love I try to take with me, yet when they get hurt I blame anything but myself. I am not strong enough to change for my loved ones or for myself, and I cannot admit that I deserve more than what I have. Mimi cannot see how she can be envied._

_I am scarred, Maureen, but deep, deeper than you can see. I understand that my time on this earth is being counted, but I cannot accept that life will go on without me. I want to, more than anything, but part of me wishes that the people I care about would never stop grieving for me. I want them to live life but with tears in their eyes and grief in their hearts. I am selfish in that respect, Maureen. Angel knows that inside, there are things that no one would be jealous of._

_Every day, I question my choices. Every day means another hundred opportunities to decide about. I may stick to my plans, but that doesn't mean I am sure of them. I gamble with more than my success; I gamble with my happiness, my soul. I cannot relax for fear of failure, and I cannot enjoy it for fear of slipping up. Benny asks for jealously outwardly, but inside cringes at the thought of it._

_I love you, Maureen. You are my sister and my best friend, but still I find myself both learning from and teaching you every day. If anything, I am jealous of you, for having people who care about you as much as we do. I may have a better view of life than others like me, but that doesn't mean I'm happy with it. Do you think I am content with the little time I have left? I want things too, and for me it is easier to want than to strive for. Collins wishes that others could see how little jealousy should be wasted on him._

_Maureen, everyone in the world should be jealous of me because I have you. I love you and though you cannot say it, I know you love me too. I know that there is much you could do to change for me, but there is much I could too. We click awkwardly, but better than with anyone else. I am scared of losing you, so I ask for more than you can accomplish. Your nature tethers you with that request, and you stay with me. Joanne knows that for having Maureen alone, people should be jealous of her._

_And all of us who know you, Maureen, we can tell you something right now._

_You are strong…_

_You are beautiful…_

_You are intelligent…_

_You are kind…_

_You are giving…_

_You are special._

_And someday, you will make a difference._

_Even now, there are people who are jealous…_

_Of you._

* * *

Like, ahem, ME, for example. (moos forlornly)_  
_


End file.
